It's QLC, Bitch!

Pretty much everyone around me has been low in one way or the other for quite a while now. Or at least frustrated with how things are going. Which is what I am.

I've enjoyed not having to worry about an upcoming exam, but it's 2 1/2 weeks now and I've been avoiding to REALLY think about the specifics of my next steps. Of course I'm always thinking about it, but I haven't really sat down to work on it. Instead I've done everything else... apart from reading Perez and other internet gossip sites and watching TV series for hours online, I've cleaned windows, the oven and even defrosted the refrigerator. Currently I'm planning to chuck out my carpet. I think it might be no longer me, I'm tired of having to explain why I got it and our vacuum cleaner is too broke to properly clean it... and that is starting to disgust me. Now I think about cutting the carpet into pieces and take it out part by part (though left whole I might be able to sell it) because I can't move all my furniture out of the room. That could give me another day of avoiding stuff.

The truth is, I don't really know what I want and that is a bit scary. All this reflection is annoying me...

So while doing some little research earlier this week on some new TV show, I stumbled upon something I had heard about a while ago, but sorta forgot and I thought "this is so true": Quarterlife Crisis (QLC) ... I wikipedia'd it and though I can't "tick off" all symptoms, I can say "check" at enough to say I have a mild form of it.

I thought being at this point now, I'd be excited no end ... and I am, but I'm also worried in a way. It's not the same excitement and buzz I felt in my last year of school when I knew I would go off to Berlin and study, which I had been looking forward to for over a year. Yes, I am excited to do something new and I actually can't wait till I can move on, but it's a lot more real this time. It means growing up and taking over the last bit of responsibility for myself... and it won't be easy to find a proper job.

I gotta find out what I want to do now. I changed my interest from journalism to PR during my studies... which was a normal process of finding who I want to be I guess ... maybe that was like 50% of the way I had to go and now I'm facing the next 50% or at least 25%. Or actually ... nothing stops me from turning around 180°. Ahhh...

While I was in England and during the last year I've constantly reflected on where I wanna go and what I wanna do. I have at least half a plan... which is good, I guess. But it seems like the options are endless... it's a freedom that feels kinda suppressing.

I'm so looking forward to finishing my degree this year. It feels like I have already moved on inside... I've kinda developed twisted feelings towards my degree as I have become slightly disenchanted by it over the course of the last few years and at the same time I'm immensely proud of it.

Anyway, I just have to think about where I wanna take it for the last few steps of the way. I am quite optimistic it will all just fall into place somehow, but it is frustrating to go in circles with my thoughts for over a year now. I'm scared to make wrong decisions and then I think that this is stupid and that there are no wrong decisions and it's all just a part of the way everyone has to go. It's hard to describe really... but I think frustrating and confusing pretty much does describe it in the end.

Anyway, it's just a phase and calling it Quarterlife Crisis makes it feel okay and less scary to me.